Kevin: Dude you only have like 4 minutes left of HD on your DVR!

Josh: I know, this is stressing me out.

Kevin: Man, when mine gets down to like 9 hours, I just start deleting. Like, that, right there, that Mickey Mouse Clubhouse has got to go.

Josh: Yeah, it is sooooo gone. Look at me, right now, I am just deleting like crazy. Bye Bye Mickey.

Kevin: Don’t delete that Dirty Jobs man, that one is classic.

Josh: Never.

I am a habitual pregnancy test taker.

I don’t know what my problem is but I always think I am pregnant. This makes absolutely no sense because I have been pregnant 5 times and I know what pregnant feels like. So why am I so faked out all the time? Well other than I am crazy, I’m not really sure what the answer to that question is.

For those of you wondering to yourself, “pregnant five times, what???” Well, I have two beautiful little boys but they didn’t come without a hell of a lot of heartache and 3 miscarriages. I have a genetic mutation that causes clotting in the placenta during pregnancy. You can read about it here.

I have been wondering how to write about all that I went through with my pregnancies. I love to write and I was writing long before I ever decided to post my thoughts on this page. Yet curiously, when I am in real emotional pain, I cease to write. There are months missing out of my journals and this website where I just couldn’t articulate the hurt in my heart.

Yet now that I have come out the other side, I want to write about all of the pregnancy drama because maybe it will help someone out there. I remember sitting at work surfing the internet looking for someone to put into words the situation I was experiencing. I found a lot of comfort in Tertia’s writing and also in Julie’s. I never even commented on their sites but I read them every day, hoping to find commonality with someone in my loneliness and quiet desperation.

I will write more about what I’ve been through, the lovenox shots, the d&c’s, the bi-weekly stress tests, the hospital stays, the ridiculous amount of bloodwork, etc. I know that the 4 years of both successful and unsuccessful conception changed me in ways I am barely even aware. The loss of a baby breeds a lonely ache so strong, your core is rocked. However, for now, I just wanted to open the door and begin the process of seeing what is inside.

So for those of you that read this site, you know about my fanatical love for Heather B. Armstrong of Dooce. Not love, love but you know, like love?

Anyway, today, as I checked out her site, I was shocked. I mean just shocked.

Please check this out and then come back to my site. Okay, are you back now? Now look up. Yeah at my header. Do you see what I see? OMG, it is like we share a brain.

 It gets better though…look at this on my flickr site.

 How crazy is that people? Heather, when will you see that we are destined to be best friends?

Dear Joshie,

I am sure you won’t remember this but, you love the mornings. You babble and squeel until I come in your room and pick you up from your crib. You laugh out loud the minute I open the door and it instantly makes me happy. You say “da da da da da” into infinity. At first I was upset because you said “Daddy” before you said “Mommy” but at least you first word wasn’t “dog” like your brother…

When you are really tired you say “ma ma ma ma ma” and then “ny ny ny ny ny” until I scoop you up and put you in your crib. Not that you readily go to sleep – you are not a big fan of naps. However, I love that you want me when you feel tired. I like to think that it is because you know where safety and peace can be found. I hope to always provide that for you.

You have also started this adorable thing where you crawl to wherever I am and sit down. You then promptly put your head down and both of your arms in the air (think field goal). This is your way of saying “I would now prefer to be held.”

I was cleaning out the bathroom today and I ran across my positive pregnancy test from you. I know that seems gross that I kept it, but it was so amazing to find out I was pregnant with you, that just looking at that plus sign (now faded) makes my heart feel full and complete. Joshua you have no idea what a blessing you are. You have changed me and challenged me so much from the moment I found out I was pregnant to now… and I suspect for as long as I am privledged to be your “ma ma ma ma.”

You turn 1 in less than a month, I suspect you will be officially walking by then. I can’t imagine how that will change the dynamics of our already busy household but I am ready for the next challenge. In the meantime, I am going to keep writing all of these things down, the little things you do because I just don’t want to forget.

I love you Joshie Bear.