We are headed to San Fran for a weekend away… without the kids. 

This is not a test.

A whole weekend without diapers or sippy cups. A whole weekend without transformers or the Wiggles. A whole weekend of being reminded why we got married in the first place and that we really do have fun together.

I am giddy with anticipation! I promise lots of pic’s of our outing as well. San Francisco here we come!!!

I have a beef, not the good kind either.

So, since like 1985 I have considered myself a Republican. It all started with Alex P. Keaton and then I first heard Reaganomics and I was  all, “sign me up!” I was hooked. Republicanism was like my crack, without the shady tax increases or government subsidized health care.

In high school we moved to a place that was CRAZY conservative. Like, big trucks with gun racks and country music blaring from the bumping sound system, conservative. I never bought the whole country “red state” vibe, but man I sure did like me some conservative politics. All of the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps and while you’re doing it make sure not to get an abortion or be gay” just appealed to me. God helps people who help themselves, right?

Some of my politics were the result of me being a Christian and believing in certain moral standards. Some of it was just the result of me liking to think that one day I would be rich and I wanted to make sure that I got the right tax breaks.

As a political science major in college, I relished in the role of being the devil’s advocate in my classes. I liked the idea that I was the only conservative girl my age. I was edgy. I scoffed at the Great Society and those that thought Reagan was crazy, riddled with dementia. I went to hear Oliver North speak on two occasions, I met McCain and George W. Bush.

When I was old enough to vote, I voted for Bob Dole. Can you even imagine it? An 18 year old girl with a Dole sticker on her dorm room door? I was NOT their target demo. I am so lucky that I made any friends that year.

Needless to say, over the years I have taken my fair share of crap for my political views. I have dodged many a Fox News hating liberal democratic nazi feminist and lived to tell. So you have to imagine my disappointment over the past few years as I have watched the Republican Party go down the crapper. Between Katrina, Iraq, the economy and the scandals I am at an impasse. What happened to leaving things to the state’s to decide (like civil unions)? This is a cornerstone belief of conservative politics and it has been eroded completely.

Look, I won’t go as far as to say that Bush stole the presidency and Al Gore should have won, blah blah blah. But somewhere between 2000 and today, I’ve lost my Party. It honestly feels like I’ve lost my religion as well. I used to consider myself a evangelical christian. While I still hold the same beliefs, I no longer like being associated with that political voting block because of the fact that they have been completely corrupted by the politics they support. Christians have been brainwashed to think that they can only be Republicans. Thanks Karl Rove!

So, here’s my real problem. I still believe in fiscal conservatism. I still believe in a strong military. I still believe that government isn’t there to provide a “living wage” or guarantee income for every American. I am not ready to fully embrace tax increases and government health care. I don’t think solar power is the total answer to our energy crisis and I don’t want Planned Parenthood educating my children about their choices. So who do I vote for? Where do I fit? Which party cares enough about people to treat them as humans but no so much that they want to subsidize their every move?

What happened to me? What happened to the Republicans? Why do we have such a crappy government structure and a completely inept slate of elected officials? My Party had both houses for several years and this is the result? We have no one to blame but ourselves and I am now just ashamed of the huge deficit and multi- front war this country is battling.

I want more for America. I want us to be respected around the globe, not just feared. I want leaders who care more about their legacy than the Bush Administration has. I want to see our troops come home and be celebrated for their sacrifice.

All of these things have been adding up and now I am just so frustrated with conservative politics. So, I don’t know what I am going to do in November. McCain is no typical Republican. He certainly doesn’t walk the party line, so I am tempted to support him.

However, I feel that a protest vote is necessary. I feel that something or someone needs to seriously shake the crap out of Washington. So, unless something major changes between now and November, I will no longer be a party line voter.

Republican National Committee, you have lost a supporter, a voter and a target demographic. What are you going to do about it?

I’ve been informed that my last post was “like, totally emo.” Just goes to show that it doesn’t matter what you write, it is how people interpret it that counts.

I don’t think that I am emo, just thoughtful. In other words, I am no longer listening to the Cure, smoking cloves and wearing ripped up black tights under my jean skirt. That was soooo 1989.

Besides, I think to be officially emo you have to be under 25….so, case closed!

Playing with camera settings tonight. The kids were asleep and the hubby refuses to let me take his pictures. Ergo, lame self-portrait session ensues…

However, it got me thinking about black and white and me. How I live in black and white. How I breathe black and white. How everything has its time and place. How I want to wrap people and their probelms up in neat black and white boxes….Well,  until about a year ago. Then my black and white started to turn to muted colors. Something shifted and a chasm appeared between my formula and my experience.

Maybe, just maybe, there is more to this world than I can fit in my mind, more to this world than my heart can fully comprehend.

So I have been trying to live in color. To understand differences without adding my bit of judgement to them. To know that all things are created by God and inherently have value. All things, all people, no matter how sinful or ungrateful or unforgiving they may be.

Myself included.

One day I was talking with my older sister (Hi Deanna!) and we were discussing my current mental state. She happened to have her local paper in front of her and she opened it while we were on the phone, it contained the above comic.

Sometimes in life, things are just fitting.