Wrankled, messy, tore up. This is my heart on fear. My head swims with the decisions, the indecision, the possibilities for failure. What if I did something wrong, what if one of the kids got sick, what if we ran out of money, what if… you get the idea.

Ever since I was a child I can remember the palpable emotion of fear. It has been a constant in my life. Not because I was raised with terror or abuse or some terrible form of neglect. Actually, I was loved and well cared for. The fear snuck in all on its’ own and has managed to ravage my days. This move brought up a whole new level of fear and worry that I never thought possible. I found that there were so many decisions, so many possibilities to do the wrong thing.

At first I thought my propensity toward fear was because I am smart. You see, I understand the consequences of action, I know the statistics on injury and disease, I know that if things can go wrong they will. I know, I sound like Debbie the Downer…Living this way makes me a less than desirable party guest.

Later in life as I contemplated this fear mongering, I began to think maybe I am cursed, genetically pre-disposed to a negative way of thinking. Lately I’ve come to the conclusion that it is the thorn in my side, the thing that God never quite removes. I don’t know yet if it is because I won’t let Him or because He has chosen not to. I suppose the answer will come with time.

Either way, decisions come at a great cost if you live life in fear. What you will have for dinner can spiral into an internal dialogue about weight and colon health. On the really big decisions fear can act as a complete roadblock and lead only to inaction, even if you are being called by God to act.

So what does one do about fear and where does fear come from? The humanistic approach would be to say that fear comes from lack of knowledge, so to learn is to remove fear. I’ve found the greater knowledge I have on a subject, the more likely I am to analyze it to eternity and back with no conclusion. You see for me fear is not being scared of something I don’t know, it is a worry that something unexpected, unplanned for will pop up and change everything.

I know intellectually that fear has a purpose and that some fear of things is healthy. When does it move to unhealthy? When does it cross the line into negative thinking and predisposal of bad outcomes? It seems like the line is fine and unclear. However, today I heard a quote that made me think a little differently about fear.

“Fear is the defining characteristic of a man expecting punishment.”

If I could insert a picture of a light bulb going off, I would because it was that obvious. I operate on the premise of fear because of my expectation of punishment for action/inaction. This says a lot about what I believe about God. I live in expectation of His punishment. If I do the wrong thing then certainly I can expect some consequence or punishment, hence the fear regarding the original decision. So really, the fear is about a lack of control in the outcome, not the decision itself.

I wish I could say that all of this goes on in a conscious environment. However, fear is so familiar, so comfortable, that all of this is actually occurring on a deeper level. So changing it is going to take me being aware of this little mini drama as it plays out. As with anything good in life, this will take work on my behalf.

I know that God loves me and commands me to rid myself of fear. He wants me to live with abandon for Him. To do so means I have to shed my belief that He is an eternal punisher. God is love, His greatest commandment is to love, He speaks of love consistently. While my choices may warrant consequence at some point, it is not God’s intention or sole purpose to provide those consequences. He FIRST loved me, before the world existed. However, He loves me still, after I sin, after I make the wrong choices.

Because of this love, I can’t let fear grip my heart in expectation of punishment. Instead I will strive to walk in expectation of being loved no matter what.

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