Dear Tori Spelling,

Just stop it. For years, I have hated you. I have made fun of you and your fake boobs that hung so unpleasantly off of your emaciated chest, as though trying desperately to leave your presence. I despised your character on 90210 and I didn’t care whether or not you slept with David. I just wanted you to go away so I could keep on pretending that Kelly and I were friends.

After the 90210 years you thankfully dropped off the radar for a bit. Then back you came with a vengeance in some ridiculous faux reality show and a big Beverly Hills style wedding. I was annoyed again. Whenever you were on a gossip mag I would be so upset because, other than being Aaron Spelling’s daughter…what did you do? You were like the pre-Paris Hilton. Like a Paris Hilton warm-up. (thankfully you wore underwear, because I seriously would’ve clawed my own eyes out if that would’ve shown up in a magazine)

Then, we all got to hear about your affair with a married man and your expeditious divorce to first husband. In my mind, I figured your were just being who I expected you to be. Mostly I wanted you and whatever husband you stuck with to use your frontal floatation devices and get lost at sea.

Then, a month ago, out of sheer boredom I stumbled across your new season of Tori and Dean. I thought that I would watch a few minutes, yell at the television and be done with it. Oh, but Tori you vixen, you knew that wouldn’t be the case.

Here you are, in my front room, pregnant and funny and vulnerable. WHAT? I am actually liking you? Hold on, maybe I need to re-think everything? Okay, can I blame global warming?

Seriously, as you talked away on the show I was thinking that you were saying things I would say. You were being paranoid that your hubby was cheating with a hot scuba instructor and I thought, well you should be because he cheated with you. Then you said, “we started with cheating and so I will always be fearful that he will cheat again.” Whoa. Okay, something happened and started to like you.

So, now four episodes in to Tori and Dean and I am hooked. I actually told someone the other day they should watch your show and they looked at me like I had definitely spent too much time at home with the kids.

Tori, here is the bottom line. I used to hate you and now I think we could be friends. If you are faking all of this, I’m gonna be pissed. Be real with me girl, if you want this thing to last we have to be honest with each other.

Sincerely,

Your new fan – Jenn

My BFF, Rebecca is a super star. Not only does she put up with me… her and her husband are co-founders of a rockin new website for mom’s called Momfaves. In her spare time, she is raising two fantastic little boys that are nearly the same age as my two boys.

Becca and I met when we were 14 and it seems like a lifetime ago. We both had big bangs, well really it was just me, and we liked older boys that were no good for us. Becca is the ying to my yang, as Jerry Meguire would say… she completes me. I have been forever jealous of her crazy long legs and thoughtful personality. I know that she is jealous of me too…of my crazy loud laugh and my t-rex midget legs. I know that she will be my friend until we are silly, incontinent ol’ ladies headed out of this world to meet Jesus who art in heaven, amen.

Every friendship has stages. There was the grunge music, smoking and sneaking out stage. Then the we’re too cool to date boys from this school stage. Then there was college and the meeting of the future husbands stage. I never thought that the having kids stage would bring us so close, however it has completely cemented our friendship in ways I can’t explain. 

 Dear goodness I just re-read this and it sounds like I am going to propose to her. Rebecca I love you and I see us growing old together….

Okay so the best part of hanging out is watching our children become friends. So check out some pictures of our visit and our kids blossoming friendship.

Isn’t she lovely?

My Mom’s birthday was Saturday and I didn’t wish her a proper birthday with a blog post about how rad she is. Yes, I said rad.

So, my Mama turned 59 this weekend and I know that she is struggling with aging, as we all do. It probably didn’t help that Isaac put the numbers on her cake and turned them around, so they said 95. Oops. However, I wish she would believe me when I tell her that she is beautiful just the way she is, no matter how many decades she has existed on this earth.  Honestly, I hope that I age as well as she has because looking like her as I round the corner on 60 would be a pretty amazing thing.

There is a lot I could say about my Mom here, like the fact that she has a wicked sense of humor and a buff body from all the Pilates she does. I could go on and on about how she has a way of saying just the right thing to me when I am dangling off the cliff of self-involvement and pity. She also has an uncanny way of remembering the name and artist of every song. Everytime we are in the car and the radio is on she says, “Okay, 10 bucks to anyone who can tell me the name and artist of this song.” Sometimes, if she is feeling sassy, she’ll throw in the year it came out as well. Funny though, she always asks because she has the answer but in the event that you do know the answer, the 10 dollars never seems to materialize…

When I was little, my Mom worked hard to make sure that I did my homework, played sports and became a well rounded person. She always pushed me to do a little more than I wanted but never too much so as to be overwhelming. In this respect, she taught me a wonderful life lesson and that is, anything good in your life probably came with a little bit of sacrifice (or a lot).

She wasn’t all homework and hard work though – she knows how to party, my friends. She always had music on and we used to dance around the front room like total freaks when I was little. In fact, I think my greatest ambition at age 6 was to be a Solid Gold dancer. Good times. My mom is also the master at hide and seek. She even plays this game wtih the dogs and manages to freak them out too.

One of her best traits however is that of the housewarming nature. Let me explain…

Every house I have moved into, my Mom has been there from day 1 making it look beautiful and helping unpack. She can make a house look like a home in 48 hours flat. My first apartment in college was decorated a la Jane and my roomates were shocked when they moved in. She helped turn a dumpy college apartment into the cool place to hang out. Now, I will say she has a thing for dried flowers that I don’t share but everything else is spot on.

The older you get, the more you appreciate your parents. I also think that becoming a parent certainly makes you realize how hard that role is and maybe, just maybe, the people who raised you deserve a little grace for their mistakes. I love and appreciate my Mom today more than I ever did when I was little and depended on her for everything. Mostly because now, I fully realize all that she has done for me.

So, Mama – I love you and I am darn glad that you are still around. Thanks for sharing this birthday with me. Here’s to next year, the big 6-0!

WARNING – GIRL PARTS MENTIONED, PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION

(this is Spanish for if you are my father-in law or my Dad, do us both a favor and skip this post)

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So, I oft set out to prove why I am a total jackass and today, my friends, I succeeded with flying colors. My Mom and Dad came into town for my Mom’s birthday this weekend and I was excited to spend some quality time with them.

First thing’s first, Mom and I head to the mall. I proceed to buy a ridiculously expensive pair of Coach sunglasses and man, am I feeling sassy. I swear I put the glasses on and all of the sudden, BAM! I was Posh Spice, Beck’s is my man-toy and I am hard rocking it people. These sunglasses are amazing, more on that later though.

So, part of our adventure involved a previously standing appointment that I had at a nice spa in Monterey for a little waxing. My Mom wanted nothing to do with this, but I was all in baby. I have been to a few spa’s in my time and feel fairly comfortable in the spa environment. This is usually my downfall, believing far too much in my own ability to act normal in any given situation.

I wait my turn in the incense filled holding area for my esthetician and I am casually wearing my sunglasses indoors, because I am totally famous.

Juliette greets me and we go into Room 3. She explains that I need to get undressed and here is a towel, blah blah, blah. I stopped listening because I had started thinking about how much this was going to hurt and how I should have had a glass of wine before I started this process. Juliette leaves the room and I begin to undress. On the table is a towel and a sanitizing wipe. Now, for those of you who have had a wax before, this is totally normal and you just go about following the directions given to you. However, I was too involved in my Posh pose to listen and now here I am opening the sanitizer and begining, um, application.

WOW! That burns! Ha Ha Ha. Wow, that really burns. Holy Crap, I am burning alive, get water! STAT! As I run around the room looking for water I am sure that she is coming back in the room any minute and she  is going to catch me splashing water on my nether regions and wondering what in the good Lord is going on in here.

After the water puts out the fire, I walk back over to the table and pick up the packet that I so hastily tore open. IT SAYS HAND SANITIZER! Oh my goodness, people hand sanitizer does not go there. So now I am panicking, did I do permanent damage? Clearly I’ve failed to listen to directions? Wait a minute…why do my hands need to be clean for this? What the heck is going on here and does this happen on Dr. 90210?

I jump on the table and try to act normal as Juliette knocks and asks if she can come back in the room. I say yes, and in she comes. She sweetly asked if I was ready.

Um, I think so? Hold on, let me get my glasses…

So, just because I have been changing diapers for a living doesn’t mean that I have completely resigned in my position as headline news correspondant to the stars. (The Captain never ceases having opinions, sometimes she just resigns to share them entirely with her family…lucky them!)

So, a while back I heard a presentation done by a management consultant. He was attempting to show the aging “Baby Boomers” how to let go and let the next generation lead. Basically, his topic was succession planning. Anyone in the workplace knows that we are about to experience a major managment drain in the next 5 years as the Boomers head to Sunnyhill Manor.

Now, first off, we all know that the Boomer generation has some mad leadership skills that have served this country and many, many companies very well. However, some of them are in their 70′s now and it is time to retire and go fishing/golfing/drinking/whatever. So, as they exit the workplace who are they to leave in charge?

Typically this would be the next generation, which in this case is Generation X. Gen X is usually defined as those born from 1965-1980 (dates vary). The way I like to think of it is Gen Xr’s should know the following: the first video played on MTV, the name of U2′s first hit single, what night the Cosby Show was on, who Alex P Keaton is, why Zach and Kelly broke up, what Grunge is and who the two Corey’s are.

So back to the consultant. Well, Mr. Brilliant had this to say, “Skip Generation X completely, too few of them are management material, and go straight to training Generation Y (the Millenials).”

What?

Did he just say that? Before I could put on my cape and go WWF on this guy, some jokes were made about how he wasn’t entirely serious but basically Gen X was a bunch of overpaid slackers with inappropriate expectations due to the scars left from their parents’ divorces in the 80′s. Well, that and it is mostly Madonna’s fault.

Alight look, we all know that Generation X has its’ flaws. I mean, those of us who watched Reality Bites and said “Hell yes! Fight the Man! Don’t work at the Gap!” have some tendencies toward belief in corporate espionage and tend to be a bit too sarcastic for our own good. But does that mean that an entire generation should be discounted for leading this country and it’s corporations into the next era? Hell no!

After I took a deep breathe and realized this was just another typical Boomer talking I did some self-reflection. What does Generation X stand for and what do we have to offer? Everyone knows the Boomers are smart and motivated by their WW II era work ethic. However, they also tend to be stuck in their ways and unable to see the forest through the trees. They invented the 70-80 hour work week and they think that anything less is proof of non-committment.

So, what does Gen X we bring to the table? (besides a belief that Eddie Vedder is a demi-god and that flannel was a fashion trend worth recognizing?) Here’s what I think (I know you were waiting for this). I think that we haven’t yet shown the world what we have to offer. We haven’t stood as a collective voice and said that we want to be the leaders. We experienced a totally different reality than the Boomers, we saw divorce and MTV and a general lack of commitment from those who were leading us. Because of this, Gen X has an overdeveloped sense of entitlement about what we deserve from the world and highly attuned sense of sarcasm. But we are also smart, really smart. Some of my fellow X’rs are incredibly educated and also really committed to making family life a priority. I think we might be the generation to show the world what a real work-life balance can look like.

Yes, we demand a lot from our employers. We are the generation that saw the Family Leave Act come to fruition and we also have demanded equal rights for domestic partners. We care about the family (no matter what it looks like) because a lot of us were lonely kids. We want more for our kids and sometimes our work life takes a back seat.

However, America I ask you…is that such a bad thing? Does that disqualify us for leadership like that jackass consultant said? Or does it mean that we can show the next generation that you don’t have to work 70 hours a week in order to be the boss? I vote for the latter.

I have to say, as with most things that make me mad – like the scale, or So You Think You Can Dance result show night – this motivated me. This consultant threw down the gauntlet and said our generation wasn’t worth it. I say, not only are we worth it, we can be damn funny and real while we prove that we are. Come on people, show those Boomers’ who is boss (no not the 80′s television show, you Tony Danza lovers).

I don’t know about you, but I just want to make Mr. Huxtable proud.

Update: you must read this article. I found it after I wrote this and it is really great.