I used to be cool. I was on the cutting edge of music, I was the goddess of the alternative band scene. Then I got a life.

Ever since the waning days of college, I have been a music nerd. I listened to whatever was on the radio and considered it enough. Deep inside though, I felt that the void in my mind that music once filled was still empty. You see, I am one of those people whose state of being can be altered by music. I think everyone enjoys a good song but some people need music to let go, to thrive, to be creative.

I tend to be pretty cut and dry, maybe even boring. In fact, on most days I would prefer to live inside the small box I construct for myself. Creativity comes in bits and spurts in my life, like an outdated engine it appears as though it could sputter to life or die on the side of the road at any moment. Music changes that, music is my muse.

For a long time, I was too busy for music. I guess maybe I still am, I mean it isn’t like a I need another hobby. In fact, I still count tennis as a hobby and just today I spent 2 hours getting my a*# kicked by a friend on the courts. Hobbies are supposed to be fun, dammit. Like running, that is fun. I mean the shin splints, the blisters, the dead toe nails, such fun.

 I swear I have a point here, I do.

Anyway, I have, like millions of people, been on the iPod bandwagon for a while now. However, my iPod has been reserved for my tortuous hobby, running. So it was filled with “pick me up” music, songs that keep me going past the burn. Like music by Justin Timberlake and Kanye West.

Last week I was playing around online, okay I was listening to the Twilight soundtrack you caught me, and I realized I should download some music. Some good music. Then I thought, how shall I listen to it? I have no dock for my iPod. Well, I took care of that and next thing you know, I am back in the music game baby! I feel my creative juices flowing and in the meantime I feel like I have my finger back on the pulse of culture. I was wondering, if after all of these years, I still liked alternative music of if my tastes had changed. What do the kids listen to these days? Maybe now instead of Pearljam I would prefer Clay Aiken or Madonna. Good news is, my tastes haven’t changed much and in the meantime, plenty of great bands have busted on to the scene.

So I filled my iPod with Modern Modest Mouse (thanks Aaron for bringing this to my attention!), Muse, The Shins, Paramore, Secondhand Seranade, Keane and Death Cab for Cutie. Listening to this music doesn’t make me cool and it won’t make me young. It does however, get my mind going and reminds me to live in the moment, to let creativity have a role in my day. Not all my hobbies have to be painful, right?

I did it! No seriously, I hard rocked Thanksgiving dinner. We had turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberries, green bean casserole, rolls and gravy. Thanks to the help of my sister-in-law Karen and my neighbor’s kitchen, I was able to accomplish a real Thanksgiving meal. We had a lovely dinner and a great time hanging out with family and friends.

My mom was on speed dial all day (thankfully), I swear she received less than 5 panicked phone calls. The ones she did receive revolved around the fact that my 24lb turkey cooked in 3 hours. Apparently my little tiny oven has some, balls guts. And yes, I am aware now that 24lbs of turkey was completely unnecessary for 7 people. You live and you learn people.

I decided that photos would tell the story of this Thanksgiving better than words so here goes…

After the beach we headed back to the house to watch the Cardinal’s game - that was ugly. Then we ate desert, courtesy of our local Costco. Overall, fabulous day.

Okay so this year, Thanksgiving dinner’s on me. No really, this year I am the cook, the chef, the master of the kitchen domain. Crap. Where is my mother when I need her? That’s right, she is in Turlock and no doubt preparing already for her scrumptious feast, of which I can not partake. Oh boy do I wish now that I’d helped out more in the kitchen all of those holidays. I knew that feigning diarrhea or cramps in order to get out of cooking would come back to bite me some day.

My first instinct is to run to Williams and Sonoma and buy all the fancy gadgets, as though that would make my cooking better. Given our budget constraints I am going to have to make due with what we have. The problem is, between the ratty cookware and my sub-par skills, we also have the problem of our heinous kitchen. My stove is quite literally from 1957 and has four partially functioning burners. My oven, as previously discussed, is thoroughly lacking in capacity to cook more than a chicken breast.

However, come Thursday, there will be 8 hungry people at my house - all looking to me to provide them with Thanksgiving sustenance. Lordy, I’m screwed.

Did I mention Kevin is supposed to fry the turkey? I’m not sure how I feel about a garbage can worth of oil heated to the point of boiling in my carport. Sounds like a recipe for an insurance claim.

Either way, the neighbors have offered their kitchen, since they will be out of town and my kitchen has issues. Can’t you just see me running back and forth between the houses with pots of boiling water and stuffing mix (drink in hand) while Kevin burns down our faux garage? Happy Holidays!

So what is all the fuss about Twilight? Why do I keep writing about it? I am going to venture out and say it has NOTHING to do with it being about teenagers or vampires or good and evil. It has everything to do with every girls deepest longing. To be known.

You see, as I sat in the dark theater, laughing out loud at the childish interpretation of the Twilight book, something struck me. The reason girls are so obsessed with the story of Edward and Bella (myself included) is not unique to their dark vampire story. The link between them is the centerpiece of every good love story. It is a woman’s deep and abiding desire to be truly known by the one she loves. Not just what kind of soda you like or how you love Mexican food. It is the deep knowledge that only comes with being studied, examined carefully.

Edward knows Bella so well, that he can anticipate her moves and actions before she does. I don’t know a girl who doesn’t long for this. For someone to know when she needs to talk, to be quiet, to laugh - without asking, without question. When I think of all of the amazing love stories out there, all of the best lines from romance movies, they all revolve around the lead male knowing the female almost better than she knows herself.

So, it isn’t really about Twilight. The legions of teenage and adult fans of this book series took the bait set by author Stephanie Meyer. Writing as a woman, she knows only too well what all girls really long for, deeply. I don’t know about you but I cherish the idea that my mate would feel so drawn to me, that he would seek to know every detail about me. He would want to entertain my very thoughts and feelings, as though they were his own so that he might comprehend my reactions to life.

When you see the 15 year old girl with the Twilight shirt, be sure that it is not a vampire she longs for. Not a fictional, fantasy character. More than anything, she longs to be cared for and sought after, known.

If you have by chance, been living under a rock and are unaware that Twilight opens on Friday then you may not understand the next few sentences. If you have been reading this site, the next few sentences might scare you, might cause you to question my sanity. Never to fear though, I promise it’s just the vodka talking.

So, I am in love with Edward. I’m sorry Kevie, I am leaving you for a fictional teenage vampire. He will take care of me, protect me from the bad vampires and try with all of his might not to suck my blood. Edward and I shall forever live in a mystical world and I will be his vampire bride.

Wow. That was awkward. Seriously people, these books are like crack. It must be how some people felt about the Harry Potter series - although I do not know who could think all of that magic stuff was real. I mean, have you ever met a sorcerer? What’s that you say, vampires are just as far fetched? Well, to that I say - have you ever been to Santa Cruz at night? Yeah. Bloodsuckers are alive and well. Why do you think they filmed the Lost Boys there? Not a coincidence. After watching a few episodes of the Two Coreys, methinks Corey Haim might have fallen prey to the vampires himself.

Anyhoot - I already bought my ticket to go see Twilight. I am still considering a trip to northern Washington to retrace the steps of Bella and Edward through the small town of Forks but that might be too much. Do you think that’s too much? Am I taking this too far?

Read the books, then judge me… I dare you.

*Editor’s Note*- This is a different post than I usually write, it is my first attempt at a little fiction mixed with reality. Freality?

I could see her so clearly. The hair done, the heels on and wineglass in hand. She was laughing at some innocuous joke and scanning the room for someone interesting to talk to. Straightening her expensive suit and pushing back her long hair, she’d glance at her cell phone occasionally, seeing if her husband had texted an update on the kids. 

She moved about the room, fitting in but not feeling filled up. Everyone knew her name, not because of her relative importance in the crowd but because she mostly makes herself impossible to ignore. Loud and opinionated is a way of life for her, reserving gentle and pensive for their appropriate moments. If I stood on my toes, I could see around the candlelight ambiance and bar tables to her gathering place, amongst work friends, if you could call them such. She melted into the atmosphere and yet stood out in her own way. For her it was easy, to sway with the conversation and pretend where she was, was in fact where she wanted to be.

I knew her so well, the gestures, the smiles reserved for genuine emotion and the ones meant to appease. She was pleased with her status in her career, the people she knew and connections she enjoyed. Some part of her wondered if the path she traveled was in fact what she bargained for or what she’d fallen into by mistake. However those thoughts were reserved for the hotel room after the reception, after all of the people she had chatted with had disappeared behind their doors, into their real lives. What, she thought, was the purpose of it all? If she were the most important person in the room by some corporate standard, what then would that make of her life?

After nearly 10 years, the tension had mounted, less like a volcano and more like the excited bubbles of a newly corked champagne. The thoughts had finally become significant enough to make her wonder the tiny, lonely thoughts out loud. They would steal more and more of her time and attention until one day she knew she had a change to make. Life was passing too quickly to be pretending anymore. To be wishing that life was one way and waking up to find reality another.

Here I am. On the other side of that decision, looking back at her. Wondering if she secretly knew I was watching, waiting for her to join me. Seeing yourself, deep on the inside takes courage. So, as I stood peering into the life I used to lead, it was like staring at the edge of a cliff. Knowing that the backpack contained a parachute didn’t make the leap any less terrifying. The good news is, the joy comes with the jumping.

Recently someone asked me what some of my favorite things are and it got me thinking. If I had to pick 10 things I couldn’t live without - what would they be? As I worked on my list, I thought it revealed a little about me (in a superficial sort of way) and I thought my readers should give the list a try. So, chime in and tell me what 10 things you can’t live without. Please note, these are things of the non-human nature, meaning if you can’t live without your Great Aunt Sue, I understand but that isn’t really what I was thinking when I made this list.

Okay, I’ll go first (no particular order):

• My coffeemaker
• Sunglasses
• Coffee Beans
• Books
• Bob Marley’s Legend Album
• My running shoes (asics)
• Disinfecting wipes
• The Body Shop’s Coconut Body Butter
• MAC lip gloss
• My Blackberry Curve

I don’t want to open up a hornet’s nest. However, I can’t stop thinking about this issue, probably because a week after the election, it is still front page news. The issue is Prop 8 and how I am still upset that it passed.

I know some of you are saying - but Jenn you are a church going Christian, don’t you believe that marriage is between a man and a woman? The answer is, yes. I, in fact, do believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. However, that is not what Prop 8 was really about.

Those who sponsored Prop 8 presented you and I with a false dilemma. They forced us to choose whether or not gay couples in California could marry, under our (read:Judeo-Christian) definition of marriage. But this is not the real issue. I believe the backers of Prop 8 used the Christian community to rally against gay marriage, without dealing with the real question - do we as a country allow a group of citizens the right to be in union (whatever you want to call it) with whom they choose? You see, I believe when presented with the option to allow gay couples the same legal rights as straight couples, Californians would have voted YES! All people should have the same rights under the law, no matter their beliefs.

Let me explain further - just because I believe in Jesus and what He said about marriage, does that mean I can’t be supportive of other people who don’t believe what I believe about Jesus? Does that mean that the rights of those people should be reduced by the difference between our two belief systems? I don’t think so. Further, for those that saw the signs saying “Protect Our Families - Vote Yes on 8″ - I ask you, how exactly do gay couples threaten our families? If we are really worried about protecting our families then maybe we should consider our own actions at home before we chastise the actions of others.

I do not put my faith in Government. I do not expect Government to advocate for my beliefs. Mostly because what if they get it wrong? (as they are often known to do) Sometimes Christians miss the obvious on this issue - like what if the Government advocated for Catholic beliefs? Or Southern Baptist? Or Mormon? Even in the ”Christian” community there are thousands of bifurcations on beliefs. I think author and commentator Cal Thomas puts it well:

Thirty years of trying to use government to stop abortion, preserve opposite-sex marriage, improve television and movie content and transform culture into the conservative Evangelical image has failed. The question now becomes: should conservative Christians redouble their efforts, contributing more millions to radio and TV preachers and activists, or would they be wise to try something else?

I opt for trying something else.

Too many conservative Evangelicals have put too much faith in the power of government to transform culture. The futility inherent in such misplaced faith can be demonstrated by asking these activists a simple question: Does the secular left, when it holds power, persuade conservatives to live by their standards? Of course they do not. Why, then, would conservative Evangelicals expect people who do not share their worldview and view of God to accept their beliefs when they control government?

One of my sisters is gay. She lives with her partner and I adore them both. They do not share my view of God or my belief in the Bible. They got married a couple of months ago in a brief civil ceremony. They desire to be with each other until their lives here on earth are over. How can I look at them and say - because I believe in the Bible, and I believe that gay marriage is not what God intended, they therefore should not be together? I, in fact, can not. Maybe that is a weakness of faith on my behalf. However, no matter what I certainly can not ask the government that governs us both to chose my way of life over theirs. It would be a constitutional breach of their rights to pursue their liberty and happiness.

Prop 8 asked us to define, in our Constitution, marriage as being between a man and a woman. We were forced to make a socio-religious decision between two false choices. As usual, the answer to the question of gay marriage lies somewhere in the gray middle, not in the dark spaces on each side. However, I believe there is a very clear answer to the question of whether or not our government should afford the same rights to all citizens of this country, no matter their beliefs.

What do you think?

I have no time to write on my web page because I am hopelessly entranced in a book about a teenage vampire love story. My life has been reduced to this sad, sad state.

However, I am working on a couple of posts in the back of my mind:

 - why I voted No on Prop 8 (a wee bit controversial but whatever)

 - my Thanksgiving plans and why I think we are going to have to eat take-out

Sweet

I was wearing a really great dress. My hair turned out perfect and I had on my best shoes, the ones so dainty and sparkly that my feet look like little presents. We walked in and I scanned the crowd, no one familiar. I had my incredibly handsome husband by my side, his new tuxedo fitted to perfection. I had already decided we were the best dressed couple there. However, with all the money in this room, it was unlikely that we were really the best dressed, just the most current. In this county, money seems hopelessly lost on the old and tasteless. Deep inside, even though I felt like I looked good, I was insecure that I didn’t know anyone and thinking maybe someone could see in my eyes that I felt out of place in this opulent ballroom, tucked in one of the most beautiful resorts in the country. I honestly felt more aligned with the wait staff than our dinner guests, mostly because in the fiscal pyramid, I am.

Small talk with a stranger visiting our table led to a realization that a person sitting as his table was someone I had gone to school with years before. Someone who had been the most popular boy - wealthy, good looking and mostly cruel. Growing up in this area, I was different. We didn’t have the money or the privilege of our fellow residents, just good fortune. It didn’t help that I had a HORRIBLE maiden name - one that would always cause a snicker or a jeer. This last name was the bane of my junior high existence. 

This boy, the one I have just been told is only a few tables away, was the king of taunting. He alone could reduce me to tears and make me feel like I was a total nerd and outcast. As I took this strangers hand, by his insistence this lovely reunion occur, I was mortified. I couldn’t believe that after 15 years I would see him again, would I be reduced the 12 year old with a ugly perm and no sense of self?

As he turned around, time stopped. It was a moment I will never forget. It wasn’t that he looked bad, he doesn’t. It is just that time has been friendlier to the girl with the bad hair and silly last name, than the privileged boy with the sharp tongue. In a flash, his eyes registered who I was and time, all those years, condensed into minutes as I stood in front of him. He was pleasant, he had a lovely pregnant wife and she quickly made the moment less awkward. I told him my new last name and we both laughed a little about my old one.

A few moments later as I walked away with my head held high, thinking if the whole night was for that tiny moment, it was worth it. There is nothing quite as satisfying as shocking someone by being more than they expected.

 *UPDATE* Follow this link, and at about 1min in, you will see a dark haired girl and a tall boy walk past the cameras….guess who?

Sucked In

I am a reader. In high school, I could put away about 50 books a year. I read everything from John Grisham to Danielle Steele. I would read to escape, not from a horrible life but from the reality of being a teenager in a small town.  I plowed through books, sometimes never really reading the fine print, just absorbing the basic story and then moving on to the next title. However, there was one author I savored, Ann Rice. I love me some vampire drama. Which makes no sense because I am a total chicken who can’t stand scary movies and avoid dark places like I avoid decaf coffee (seriously what is the point?). I just loved the intricacy and totality of Ann’s storytelling. She pulled me into a world I couldn’t comprehend and for the duration of the novel, I called it home.

As I got to college, I had less time for pleasure reading, plus I realized most of my reading had turned to that of the romance nature. It wasn’t that I thought romance novels were bad for me but I realized they were skewing my expectations on dating. I probably was not going to have my clothes torn off in a fit of passion, whilst riding a gondola in turn of the century Venice. Nor was I likely to find myself sold into marriage in the 1800’s to a man that seemed gruff but turned out to be the most sensitive lover for which a woman could ask. So, I mainly put aside fiction reading and turned to humor and biographies.

In conversation a few months back with a friend (Hi Zoe!) I was told about the Twighlight series.  I put off the purchase until today. I knew that I would love the books and my social life would suffer because of it, as I called off girls’ night for night with the “undead”. So, as I begin this new series, I apologize ahead of time if my writing slacks off but just blame it on me being sucked in.