*Editor’s Note*- This is a different post than I usually write, it is my first attempt at a little fiction mixed with reality. Freality?

I could see her so clearly. The hair done, the heels on and wineglass in hand. She was laughing at some innocuous joke and scanning the room for someone interesting to talk to. Straightening her expensive suit and pushing back her long hair, she’d glance at her cell phone occasionally, seeing if her husband had texted an update on the kids. 

She moved about the room, fitting in but not feeling filled up. Everyone knew her name, not because of her relative importance in the crowd but because she mostly makes herself impossible to ignore. Loud and opinionated is a way of life for her, reserving gentle and pensive for their appropriate moments. If I stood on my toes, I could see around the candlelight ambiance and bar tables to her gathering place, amongst work friends, if you could call them such. She melted into the atmosphere and yet stood out in her own way. For her it was easy, to sway with the conversation and pretend where she was, was in fact where she wanted to be.

I knew her so well, the gestures, the smiles reserved for genuine emotion and the ones meant to appease. She was pleased with her status in her career, the people she knew and connections she enjoyed. Some part of her wondered if the path she traveled was in fact what she bargained for or what she’d fallen into by mistake. However those thoughts were reserved for the hotel room after the reception, after all of the people she had chatted with had disappeared behind their doors, into their real lives. What, she thought, was the purpose of it all? If she were the most important person in the room by some corporate standard, what then would that make of her life?

After nearly 10 years, the tension had mounted, less like a volcano and more like the excited bubbles of a newly corked champagne. The thoughts had finally become significant enough to make her wonder the tiny, lonely thoughts out loud. They would steal more and more of her time and attention until one day she knew she had a change to make. Life was passing too quickly to be pretending anymore. To be wishing that life was one way and waking up to find reality another.

Here I am. On the other side of that decision, looking back at her. Wondering if she secretly knew I was watching, waiting for her to join me. Seeing yourself, deep on the inside takes courage. So, as I stood peering into the life I used to lead, it was like staring at the edge of a cliff. Knowing that the backpack contained a parachute didn’t make the leap any less terrifying. The good news is, the joy comes with the jumping.

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