When our first son was born, I was worried how the two rowdy beagles we had at the time would adjust. I actually spent real emotional energy thinking about this in the months before I delivered. I did research on introducing the baby to the dogs and I spent more minutes than I would like to admit thinking about how I could possibly have room in my heart for both the baby and the dogs. The dogs went on vacation with us, they slept with us, we had framed pictures of them around the house and on our computer screensavers. When other people told stories about what cute things their kids did, I threw in anecdotes about my beagles. Yes, I was that person. Needless to say, about 10 seconds in to holding Isaac for the first time, those dogs moved to a different corner of my heart. I still loved them but it wasn’t the same.

The night before our second son was born, I went in to his sweetly prepared nursery and cried my eyes out. I couldn’t imagine how I could love a baby as much as or more than I loved our firstborn. I couldn’t fathom how my heart would have room for this next child. I spent an incredible amount of my pregnancy with Joshua researching the addition of a sibling to the family dynamic. I read stories to Isaac in preparation for Joshua’s homecoming. I thought I was prepared, until the night before when it hit me that everything was about to change. I just broke down. Memories of my introduction to motherhood and how it felt to hold my first baby were flooding into my brain. How could a second child compare? How could I feel as attached to this baby as I did to the precious child sleeping in the next room over that taught me how to be a mother?

The very next evening, as Joshua came into this world and my heart did not split in half but instead grew exponentially, I understood.  When Isaac came to the hospital to meet his brother, he immediately began referring to him as “my Joshie.” Nothing could have been sweeter.

Here I am, 8 weeks or so from adding a third son to our family. You would think by now I would understand that worrying about how it is all going to work out is for not. Yet, that is just what I am doing. Once again, I cannot wrap my brain around having enough love for another child. I can’t picture him yet or feel his chubby hand in mine. I can’t see a clear picture of what it will be like to have three sons and love them all so intensely.  However, I know that it is going to happen. Sometime in the very near future, my heart will once again grow exponentially and make room for Elijah Harris. I am sure I will sit in that hospital room, staring into his eyes and wondering how our family would ever have been complete without him.

PS – read something today about having children that just blew me away, once again Amber nailed it. Go see for yourself.

Well the first day of school was exactly 3 weeks ago but I am finally getting around to posting about it. Isaac loves kindergarten so far, his BFF from pre-school is at the same school so he is a happy camper. Logan, is her name by the way, she is a spunky and adorable little 5 year old girl that can climb a tree as good as any boy I know. Isaac informed me recently that he was going to marry her. Upon inquiring why he felt she was “the one” he said: “Because she is funny, she can run really fast and she has cute headbands.” Perfect reasoning – don’t you think?

Anyway, here is the little man out front of his school on the first day:

 
Here he is posing at home before we left…couldn’t resist his like model-like pose:

Finally, as usual, Joshie needed in on the action:

Overall, the transition to “real school” has been great and once again, my fears and worries about transitions and schedules and such, were for not. I don’t know why I work myself into a frenzy over change because it usually ends up being less of a momentous thing than I imagined. Isaac loves being at school, Joshie loves having the run of the pre-school without a big brother to cramp his style. Life is good. Now let’s add another….

On any given day, my life is filled with the following “noises”

• Joshua, upon waking, singing “little rabbit in the woods” and taking much time to emphasize the part about the hunter shooting him dead, ending with a lovely staccato note on “abide”
•  Isaac telling me that something isn’t safe
• Isaac telling Joshua that something isn’t safe
• Joshua telling Isaac that he is “weally, weally angwy wiff him”
• Joshua asking if he can “cozy me”
• Isaac telling me a joke, like this morning’s – “Hey Mom, what do you call two spiders who just got married?” …”Newly Webs! Ha ha ha, isn’t that so funny because it sounds like…..Hey Mom, what’s it sound like?”
• The phone ringing with yet another collection agent for Maria-something or other- who used to have this phone number before me. Poor Maria must be in a heap of debt.
• The theme song to Wow Wow Wubbzy…Wubbzy Wubbzy Wow Wow! Dear Jesus.
• The sounds of two little boys laughing hysterically at something in their bunk beds while they are supposed to be sleeping. Whatever it is, it is so funny that Joshua is wheezing. Maybe the spider joke again?
• The sound of silence as my little men have finally given in to sleep and are now sprawled like chubby starfish, arms above their heads, dreaming of their days.

The sounds of motherhood are unique in each house, yet all the same somehow.

Only 14 or so weeks left until there are three of them…watch out world!

These two have become so close lately. As Joshie gets older it is easier for Isaac to play with him. There are moments where they come to blows as boys are known to do. But the glorious moments of them chasing each other around the house laughing and screaming in pure joy make up for the physical scuffles. When they laugh together, my heart is so filled with joy it could burst into a million little mommy pieces.

Every once in a while I get a picture of Joshua that accurately captures the gleam in his eye. Whatever this little boy is destined for in life, he’s going to do with gusto.

The last picture was taken a  month ago as Kevin and I were getting ready to leave for our anniversary dinner. It was a glorious evening, thanks to the babysitting prowess of one Auntie Kenna. Kevin surprised me a with a new coach purse and a beautiful dinner at Pacific’s Edge in Carmel Highlands. The meal was ridiculously expensive but completely worth it for our 10 year anniversary.

Ten years later, I lay in bed sleepily scratching a boys’ back. He isn’t you, but he has your eyes. He’s one third your size and he calls me Mama. He’s just one of almost three. I’ve never loved you more.

Ten years ago today, we said “I do.” We were children. Children with high hopes and love glowing in our hearts like a fire. A decade later, the love is immensley more precious, deep. You convinced me to marry you, asking not once but three times before the ring “stuck” as we like to say. People thought we were foolish. I think we knew what we had all the way back then, even if words couldn’t define it. They still can’t.

You know you make me laugh. Always have. That is the way you tunneled into my serious and awkwardly beating heart. I didn’t know what unconditional love was, we both know this is something with which I still struggle. But you know, you had it presented to you like a shiny object to a two year old and you held on tight. Thank you for sharing that with me. Sometimes I fumble with it but know that I am always trying. Love flows easy from your soul Kevin, God made you gentle and caring. Sometimes this makes me crazy. Sometimes I want you to be as jaded as I am, yet you refuse. Don’t ever stop refusing, your joy is a lifejacket for my serious and contemplative soul.

We fight. Oh boy how we fight. Often about things inconsequential, sometimes about things larger than life. Yet, there is a line we silently do not cross, we are married and we will be until forever. I knew this from our second kiss. Sounds strange, but it wasn’t the first one that got me. Apparently I am not easily convinced of anything. As I drove away, hands trembling and heart flying, I knew that something significant had just changed, part of me was still in your arms. Ten years later, I’m still there.

You are never on time. You try to please everyone around you, often infuriating me. That is the reality of you. But I will take it because it comes with so much more. Your heart is wide open, your grace for those around you abundant, your desire to be my only, evident. All those years ago, I couldn’t have imagined the man you would become. Standing on that stage, staring into your blue eyes, the future was a question mark. A blank page yet to be written with our story. Now, I see how God has blessed me beyond measure with not just my Kevie, but a son of God whose possibility for growth and change is infinite in His hands. You are a work of art that I hope to always have within my reach, as each year I see a new aspect of your beautiful mystery.

You are so good with showing me that you love me. You tell me, you touch me, you pay attention to me. I am busy. Ridiculously busy and often inattentive. I know I put  a snotty nose that needs to be wiped or a story that needs to be read before you. It is the “mom” in me. However, I hope that you see my love and respect for who you are and how lucky I am, is best expressed in words written. Sometimes I need the keyboard and some quiet time to tell you how I really feel. How much, I really love you.

Happy Anniversary my love. Here’s to two kids who fell in love and never looked back. May our story be long and our house continue to be filled with laughter. You are my sunshine Kevin Thomas.

Because his last suggestions weren’t enough, Kevin wanted to add the following to the list:

• Morinda
• Suri (seriously)
• Tara
• Molly
• Dorinda
• Belinda
• DO YOU SEE A PATTERN HERE?

I think that I am once again going to have to pick the name of our child because this is getting ridiculous. Last night when he suggested the name Tracy, on the heels of just having suggested Tara, I asked him why he kept throwing out 80′s names. He told me I was being judgemental.

Anyway, we are back from vacation and it was amazing. I promise pictures later this week, my brain is still trying to put itself back in work mode right now. I can’t seem to leave the mountain air of Lake Tahoe behind. It might be one of the few places prettier than the landscape we call home in Carmel. The kids stayed with my Mom and they did amazing. They were actually sad to leave “Ammy’s” house, which has to be the sign of having a good time. Either that or they are going to miss the steady stream of rice krispy treats and popcorn. I made them both eat carrots with dinner last night, the looks on their sweet toddler faces were precious. Sort of like “Woman, what vile thing have you placed in our presence and can you possibly douse it in sugar?”

I will post a 15 week self portrait this week as well, even though I am now closer to 16 weeks. I swear my belly is huge! I look like I am 6 months pregnant, however I hear that is pretty normal with the third child. Let’s also hope that a post baby tummy tuck and boob job are considered normal as well…