Okay that last post was just sad. Like, “hey maybe you should go talk to your counselor” sad. Oh wait, I did! And I feel better! I decided that today I am going to share with you the things that are making me happy, things that are reminding me it ain’t all bad out there.

1. I am loving this picture I took of Joshua in Lincoln. I can’t get enough of this kid and his spunk. He reminds me that life is full of good and fun, sometimes you just have to go look for it – on a motorcycle, naked.

2. I am loving Lydia and Elise. Born 8 weeks early and perfectly healthy to my beautiful friend Bethanni and her husband Ryan. I can’t imagine a better family for these little angels to be born into. I can’t look at their pictures and not smile. Beth has two little boys at home already which is why her website is called “little boys rock” and I am thinking she is going to have to get a new domain name now!

3. My therapist. Enough said.

4. I don’t know if you read the website “stuff christians like” by Jon Acuff but man that site just makes my day. He is so funny, like really darn funny. I follow him on Twitter and it makes me smile every time he updates….

5. I can’t do a post about things I am loving without including a food item because well, I am just a foodie like that. So this week, I am loving the Healthy Choice chocolate ice cream bars from Costco. only 100 calories! And so good! There is a lot of stuff out there boasting only 100 calories and my problem with most of these items is that it takes me a total of 10 seconds to finish it and then I’m all “what’s next?” but these ice cream bars last a while and I feel like my sweet tooth (aka SUGAR MONSTER MAMA) feels somewhat satisfied.

That is the list people. AND IT IS FRIDAY. AND MY KIDS ARE OVER THE FLU. So, I will celebrate. I will, I promise.

I apologize for the title. If you haven’t seen Mean Girls, then you are going to think I’ve gone profane on you. If you have seen it…hopefully you are laughing.

Being a working mother to 3 is a little hectic. Okay, that was the understatement of the year. It is a lot hectic. I never stop, I never press pause (except for on the Elmo DVD so Joshie can go potty without missing anything…GOD FORBID), I almost never take vacations, I don’t do very much for “me”, and I don’t really sleep. That is the truth. I wish it weren’t but it is. I know that mom’s who are at home with their kids face a whole different set of problems and stress so I will NEVER say here or anywhere else that one group has it harder than the other. That’s just crazy talk.

Most days for a working mom, things are held together by a tiny, invisible fine line that threatens to snap like a rubber band at the slightest change in the schedule. I have my days down to a science:

there’s coffee first, then getting ready, then getting the kids ready, then getting the lunches ready, then dropping the kids off, then commuting to work, then working for 8 plus hours while managing to pump 3 x so Eli has food for the next day, then commuting home, then getting the kids, then fixing dinner/nursing, then cleaning up, then bath time for 3 children followed by pajamas, stories and cuddles and kisses, then there’s me falling into a heap on the couch somewhere around 9pm. I wish it was over there but most nights, like last night for example…I was awakened at 10, 1:30, 3:45 and 5:45 AM by a combination of my 3 children.

If I didn’t call you back, do you see why now?

So this morning, in between the getting ready and the lunches, Joshie started puking. On my suit. After that was settled, he was cuddled on the couch with a blanket and a bucket, I left for work (awesome Nanny Lauren was there) and when I got out of the car for work….my high heel ripped the hem in my pants. Then after my first meeting, I realized I was without my expensive reading glasses. They are lost and right now I can’t afford to replace them. *Insert tears here*

I don’t know what in the world is going on but I kind of feel like things are unraveling a bit, like the rubber band has snapped. I still have my health, my husband, my job and my children are all healthy so the major components are there.  I feel like a brat for complaining. I am just in a space right now where it feels like everything is like swimming through jello. Like life is that dream where you are trying to get someplace but can’t find your shoes. Maybe it is the phase of life, maybe it is the economy but I feel overwhelmed and in need of a break. I just want something really good and fun to happen (aside from the news that Lindsay Lohan is going to jail and that she pained F*ck you on her fingernails, that was pretty funny). Something that will relieve the pressure and make me see the lighter side of life, revel in the pleasures for a bit.

I knew I was in a bad place when I saw a Corona commercial on TV last night and I almost started crying when I saw the gorgeous sunny beach. I just want to be there. I want to sit in the sun, without children, and just relax. Who’s with me? Who will actually start screaming if they see one more Tweet or Facebook status update about trips to Hawaii?

Okay that’s enough. Must not complete transition to total Debbie the Downer. Tune in tomorrow for a happier post. Let’s talk about kittens or rainbows or cupcakes, mmmmm k?

Once again, Cassie’s idea. I love it.

Jenn,

Greetings, or should I say Ni Hao? Has China taken over? No? Okay.

So, we’re in our 40′s now. Wow. When we were little we thought that was super old. Now, at 33 it seems “distinguished.” Is it? Do you feel distinguished or just old?

So, I wanted to write to you and tell you that we are working really hard right now to raise the little ones and build a career. Please tell me it is paying off? If you are 45 then, Isaac is 18, Josh is 15 and Elijah is 13. Three teenage boys. I know you are probably super stressed about their choices and friends and school. You may even be a little weepy about Isaac graduating from high school this year. I am guessing he is off to college in the Fall. I am also guessing he excels in school and you are going to have to mortgage the house to pay for whatever college he chose. (Please say we own a house again?) When he was 6, you knew he was going to go farther and achieve more than you and Kevin dreamed of. However, if I know you….you are having a hard time letting go. This isn’t good for him. He is super attached to you and he needs to know you will be okay when he leaves. Suck it up, kiss him on the cheek and tell him to “take the world by the horns” then you can go to your room and cry.

If I had to guess I would say Joshua is a difficult teenager. You probably want to strangle him right about now. Don’t. Take a breath and think about him telling you that he wants to “cozy you” and dragging around the 5 blankets he refers to as “kiki’s.” That should calm you down. Remember, God gave this boy spunk for a reason – let him discover it. Also, be nice to the gaggles of girls I am guessing are hanging around him. I know you think he only needs you but we both know that isn’t the case.

As for Eli, you will have to tell me how he is as a young man – jury is still out at this stage of the game. I am assuming he sleeps through the night now? Because, not sure if you remember but he doesn’t really prefer to do so now. Maybe you spend time during the day dreaming about holding a little bouncing baby boy again – while it is amazing, please try to remember all of the sleepless nights you spent roaming the house with a crying baby, begging God to help him sleep. Also, please tell me though that we don’t spoil him just because he is the baby of the family? We hate that – right?

Okay next topic, did we go to law school? I am really hoping so because I am afraid that we will regret it if we didn’t.  It is kind of a bucket list thing. Remember? Also, hoping we are traveling quite a bit with that handsome husband of ours….Remember all those nights you both fell into bed, too exhausted to think and talked about the days ahead when you could go to Mexico together and drink margarita’s on the beach? I hope that is happening, at least once a year.

When I think about you, I wonder – am I more self-assured? Have I finally accepted that God loves me for me and that life is more about GRACE than PERFORMANCE? Are we living a good story, as Donald Miller would say? Remember how you loved that book and thought it would change you forever? I hope it did.

This last bit is a little more trivial….did we find time to work out? Are we rocking a Demi Moore style mom body? Boo-ya! I thought so.

Okay older Jenn, thanks for being you.

Much love,

Your 33 year old self

Got the link from Maggie, who got the idea from Cassie. Bravo ladies. Love it and here is my letter to my 20 year old self:

Dearest Jenn:

Hi! Wow, big year for you! You lived in your first appartment this year and you managed to pay rent on time! (thanks to Mom) Heads up kiddo, she is going to be an even bigger help when it comes to your children. Yes, you have them but I won’t disclose how many because you will just get stressed out. About that, we are working really hard in therapy on the stressing so do yourself a favor and try to calm down a little. You are an incredibly important gal but I promise the world’s axis is not rotating on your shoulders so….go have some fun!

Thanks for not giving in to peer pressure this year. I know it was a really lonely year for you, but next year you will be so thankful that you chose the path you did. I will say however, a few drinks won’t kill you and might save you a little late-twenties rebellion episode whereby you puke in some bushes…on a business trip. yikes. Also, the whole working 3 jobs and putting yourself through school thing? You rock. You didn’t have to do that, you could have just gone to beauty school. You would have been good at that too but I promise the school thing will pay off. You are going to graduate with honors which is awesome and you are going to achieve a lot in a short time. We did well for ourselves babe! You are going to be successful at whatever you put yourself into because of the hard work you are doing right now. I owe you for that. Kuddos.

So, boys. I know you are facing some disappointment in a certain someone right now. I wish I could show you how a year from now you will be so thankful that you two grew apart. In fact, 5 years from now there will be a really sweet moment *spoiler alert* where you run into this person. When you drive away, you are going to feel damn good about the choice you made and how it all turned out. Hang in there.

As for prince charming, thanks for believing that he exists. When you meet him, don’t be suprised if he doesn’t appear to be much more than a friend at first.  (Hint: the good ones never do) He will turn out to be a damn good man and an even better father to your kids. Also, when you meet your mother in-law to be, make sure you let her know how much you love her. She is going to be a big part of your life and she isn’t around for long enough. Soak in her grace and knowledge and ask her lots of questions about the family, she is going to take a lot with her when she goes. Hug her more than you think you should.

Keep running, it will turn out to be your best stress reliever and the thing that gets through some of your tough times. Call Grammy, she misses you and she isn’t going to be around forever. Also, that tiny bikini you bought this year but are too scared to wear for fear of looking fat – PUT IT ON!  HELL, WEAR IT TO CLASS GIRL! You look damn good!

Now, stop reading this and go to Allison’s room and ask her if she wants to go get a Big Gulp of Diet Coke. On your way to 7-11, turn up No Doubt as loud as possible and sing I’m Just A Girl until your throat is raw. You will never have a fonder memory of this time.

Jenn

My life usually involves a lot of drama. Not just the three kids, the job, the hubby, the family, the finances, the house, the friends, the period kind of drama. Yes, I said period.

My drama is big, huge. Or at least that is what I tell myself. There is always something going on with me, some crisis or another that needs to be solved. I spend untold hours of any given day figuring some emotional issue out in my head. Tonight after the kids were all snug as bugs, I sat down. Kevin is out of town, the lunches are made for tomorrow, the coffee on auto and I am already in my pajamas.

So there I sat. Nothing to do, at least nothing major. Nothing to say, there is no one else here. Nothing to freak out about, wait…what?

Oh there must be something, let me think…

Nothing. Silence. Nada. Zilch.

Now what? I don’t do well with silence, or a lack of crisis. I thrive on crisis, stress and busyness. But here I am, sitting and thinking about, well, nothing. This is noteworthy.

Ask anyone who knows me well and they would say that I usually call, text or email when I have drama. I never call just to say hi. I ALWAYS have a story. Something to lament about, something that has recently happened to me that YOU.JUST.WON’T.BELIEVE. I think my best friend might actually suffer a heart attack if I called her and just said, “hi!” and then waited to see what she had to say.

At 33 years old, I realize now that I am a drama junkie. I thrive on the stress and the adrenaline that drama brings. I swim like a fishy in the current of personal inner turmoil and hand wringing. To date, I thought it was just because more happened to me than the average person. As though I were some kind of magnet for it. Now I’m thinking maybe I just invite this craziness into my life because I don’t know how to just be content with what is in front of me. To just call it a Thursday night – not “OHMYGOSHDIDYOUHEARITWASTHURSDAY????”

Maybe I am alone in this drama drunken adventure. Or perhaps, you tend toward the drama as well. But I am officially declaring a war on drama. I just won’t have it.

I need more PEACE.

I need more mental REST.

I need to stop swilling crisis like a vodka tonic and just RELAX.

Maybe then, the gray hairs will stop marching across my head at a breakneck pace and I might actually live to see my 60′s.

Who’s with me? Not everybody at once now…

I haven’t posted pictures in AGES. So, I figured it was time to add a little color to the blog.

Before I do however, I thought I would share with you that I have decided that I am no longer going to call it “going to bed.” Realistically, what I do at night is take a series of interrupted naps. Last night I got 6 -one hour long naps, all punctuated by either a crying baby, a request for water or a request for comfort due to a bad dream. Maybe if I just plan on taking “naps” I will be less upset when I am woken up 7 times each night. Or maybe, I’m just going to go sleep in the garage…