If there is something I’ve learned to be true about myself in my 31 years it is that I am most “at home” acting like a jackass. Whether it is saying something totally inappropriate to a co-worker or being the one to silence a dinner table with what I think is a witty comment, I am being “Jenn”.

Ever since I was little I remember being the one to say something that makes other’s cringe. It doesn’t help that when I am saying these ridiculous things, they are often at a decibel above obnoxious. When I was in school, teachers would say things like “Jennifer everyone is talking and I can only hear you.” As I’ve gotten older I have learned to control my comments and the volume of my voice a bit but there are still times when I forget where I am and to whom I am speaking.

Recently, I had a run in with my jackass side that just might go down in the history books. I can’t tell ALL of the details here because I have to respect the privacy of those involved, but parts of the story simply must be told. Are you ready? Almost two months ago I was contacted by someone regarding this website. This someone bore a striking similarity in name and detail to a major television star. And when I say MAJOR I mean, YOU WOULD TOTALLY KNOW HIM.

So, I was very flattered by the email and I kept thinking this just can’t be real. How did this person find my site and why would he be entertained by it when there are so many big name websites out there that get major traffic every day…the kind of traffic that leads to book deals. Anyhow, we began exchanging emails and I told a few people in my family that this was happening. Nobody quite believed that this person would contact me. They reasoned that, given the anonymity of an email, it was more likely a deranged stalker than a television star.

So, now I’ve gone from excited that some celeb thinks I am interesting, to worried that I must conceal my online identity and maybe even get a gun. Thus is my life – seems like something cool is happening and then – nope just the stomach flu. So, I got a little snotty in my emails to said “celeb” and was feeling really jaded about the website, as though maybe it was a bad idea. I was starting to think about not writing anymore and giving up the dream of a “someday” book deal. Apparently my stress was coming across in my writing. After one final email from the celeb, I got kind of fed up and sent a terse response about it being inappropriate that he was contacting me. The husband saw the email and decided on his own to also send a response, once again letting “celebrity” know that he needed to back off. (gotta love the Hubby being protective, Hi Honey!) Now, mind you, he never propositioned me or said anything overtly inappropriate, he was mostly just being nice. God forbid.

Cut to yesterday. I check my email for the first time in like 10 days. In my inbox is an email from the celeb. He is apologizing for his previous email and pretty much making both Kevin and I feel that he is legitimate and we are total jackasses. Once again, my judgment is flawed.

What is the moral to my story? Well, not sure there is one other than, should a possible celebrity contact you via your website and say nice things to you…maybe don’t assume he is a stalker and proceed to send nasty emails? You never know when you might need some connections in Hollywood…like say, for a book deal?

WARNING – GIRL PARTS MENTIONED, PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION

(this is Spanish for if you are my father-in law or my Dad, do us both a favor and skip this post)

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So, I oft set out to prove why I am a total jackass and today, my friends, I succeeded with flying colors. My Mom and Dad came into town for my Mom’s birthday this weekend and I was excited to spend some quality time with them.

First thing’s first, Mom and I head to the mall. I proceed to buy a ridiculously expensive pair of Coach sunglasses and man, am I feeling sassy. I swear I put the glasses on and all of the sudden, BAM! I was Posh Spice, Beck’s is my man-toy and I am hard rocking it people. These sunglasses are amazing, more on that later though.

So, part of our adventure involved a previously standing appointment that I had at a nice spa in Monterey for a little waxing. My Mom wanted nothing to do with this, but I was all in baby. I have been to a few spa’s in my time and feel fairly comfortable in the spa environment. This is usually my downfall, believing far too much in my own ability to act normal in any given situation.

I wait my turn in the incense filled holding area for my esthetician and I am casually wearing my sunglasses indoors, because I am totally famous.

Juliette greets me and we go into Room 3. She explains that I need to get undressed and here is a towel, blah blah, blah. I stopped listening because I had started thinking about how much this was going to hurt and how I should have had a glass of wine before I started this process. Juliette leaves the room and I begin to undress. On the table is a towel and a sanitizing wipe. Now, for those of you who have had a wax before, this is totally normal and you just go about following the directions given to you. However, I was too involved in my Posh pose to listen and now here I am opening the sanitizer and begining, um, application.

WOW! That burns! Ha Ha Ha. Wow, that really burns. Holy Crap, I am burning alive, get water! STAT! As I run around the room looking for water I am sure that she is coming back in the room any minute and she  is going to catch me splashing water on my nether regions and wondering what in the good Lord is going on in here.

After the water puts out the fire, I walk back over to the table and pick up the packet that I so hastily tore open. IT SAYS HAND SANITIZER! Oh my goodness, people hand sanitizer does not go there. So now I am panicking, did I do permanent damage? Clearly I’ve failed to listen to directions? Wait a minute…why do my hands need to be clean for this? What the heck is going on here and does this happen on Dr. 90210?

I jump on the table and try to act normal as Juliette knocks and asks if she can come back in the room. I say yes, and in she comes. She sweetly asked if I was ready.

Um, I think so? Hold on, let me get my glasses…