Today after church and after naps, I snapped a few pictures in the backyard. I love how everything grows here because of the climate…maybe even me.

These hydrangea’s grow on our back fence. I love them.

Not sure what kind of flower this is but it sure is pretty.

This bird feeder needs a bath.

Ice plant is cool. Ha! Get it?

This scrub oak takes up most of our yard.

 Again, pretty but not sure what it is.

 Just darn cute, he is.

 I think I’ve only seen this plant in dry arrangements at my mother’s house.

Kevin gave Isaac a “roley poley” bug and he was thrilled.

Okay so a while back I asked y’all about your thoughts on the full Adobe Photoshop suite vs. Photoshop Elements. Due to OVERWHELMING feedback, or NONE AT ALL!!!!! I went with Elements. Here is a pic of my hubby’s tatoo that I played with…

Cool, eh? There is so much to learn and I am just getting started but it sure is fun! Here are a few silly shots of the hooligans tonight at bathtime also…

I really love taking pictures, I just wish my subjects would sit still long enough to get a decent shot!

Dear Joshie,

I am sure you won’t remember this but, you love the mornings. You babble and squeel until I come in your room and pick you up from your crib. You laugh out loud the minute I open the door and it instantly makes me happy. You say “da da da da da” into infinity. At first I was upset because you said “Daddy” before you said “Mommy” but at least you first word wasn’t “dog” like your brother…

When you are really tired you say “ma ma ma ma ma” and then “ny ny ny ny ny” until I scoop you up and put you in your crib. Not that you readily go to sleep – you are not a big fan of naps. However, I love that you want me when you feel tired. I like to think that it is because you know where safety and peace can be found. I hope to always provide that for you.

You have also started this adorable thing where you crawl to wherever I am and sit down. You then promptly put your head down and both of your arms in the air (think field goal). This is your way of saying “I would now prefer to be held.”

I was cleaning out the bathroom today and I ran across my positive pregnancy test from you. I know that seems gross that I kept it, but it was so amazing to find out I was pregnant with you, that just looking at that plus sign (now faded) makes my heart feel full and complete. Joshua you have no idea what a blessing you are. You have changed me and challenged me so much from the moment I found out I was pregnant to now… and I suspect for as long as I am privledged to be your “ma ma ma ma.”

You turn 1 in less than a month, I suspect you will be officially walking by then. I can’t imagine how that will change the dynamics of our already busy household but I am ready for the next challenge. In the meantime, I am going to keep writing all of these things down, the little things you do because I just don’t want to forget.

I love you Joshie Bear.

Sometimes we stuff things so deep inside us that we actually forget they exist. Until the day when something triggers something else and what should have been a benign reaction turns into a full scale nuclear meltdown.

Most of the time after the meltdown the pressure is released and we think we are free to go. But what happens if you dwell in the midst of the explosion? Walk amongst the ruins and take stock of why things blew up like they did? Life certainly makes it easier to take the path of temporary relief from the tension and climb out of the sinkhole, unknowingly stuffing yet again. But what if this time is different? What if this time, real change is approached with grace and patience? What then?

Today I coughed up a big emotional furball. Sorry for the terrible analogy but it is just descriptive enough to fit the situation. As I began to talk, it began to unravel. It started with the small things, the temporal things that are currently bothering me. My lonely little details. But those details moved out of me with force and speed and barreled right past the usually comfortable level of communication right on down the road to “I can’t believe I said that out loud.” Well, shit, there it is. Laying there for everyone to gawk at, poke. Luckily, the company I was keeping during this meltdown happens to be well trained at such situations and quickly helped me to realize the significance of what had been said. He also asked that I stay there. Sit and look at the damn furball and this time try lovingly to examine its parts, so that I may become whole.

Becoming a mother is one of God’s most precious gifts. There is a moment right after birth when you see that little baby for the first time and it is just spiritual. The air is sucked out of the room and you tread lightly as you reach for the tiny quivering creature because you are so aware you are on hallowed ground. I love that part of motherhood. I love looking into the eyes of my children and knowing that part of me will always exist in the movements, thoughts and expressions of someone else. However, this is where motherhood becomes complicated. This is where it falls down and threatens to take you with it. Becoming a mother is so physical in the beginning. First you are sick, then you get fat, then you are tired, then you are emotional. Then comes birth. All physical. This is all good preparation for the physical challenges of motherhood. The staying up all night, the chasing, the constant verbal negotiations.

However, pregnancy and birth doesn’t quite prepare you for the loosing yourself part. The “who the hell am I and what does mother mean?” For some moms this whole complicated set of emotions comes with the first child. I did not experience that. I sailed through the first kid. I lost the pregnancy weight, I passed all the milestones, I excelled at mommyhood! Then came baby two. This is where I lost me. I took one look at Joshua and my life as I knew it was over. I don’t know why. I don’t know what was inherently different this time, it just was.

So I have been struggling the past two months with these emotions. As Joshua rounds the corner on his first birthday, I honestly don’t know where this year has gone. I have been walking through life as an emotional zombie, medicated with busyness, details and events. Today I stopped. Today I let the nuclear explosion happen. When I stood on the precipice of the sinkhole looking down at all that I was feeling, all that I had been hiding, I was shocked. How could this be me? How could I have gotten to this place?

As I hold this emotional furball in my hand tonight, searching for answers in its curled up edges I am encouraged. Life is not easy, motherhood is a daunting task. Sometimes though, you get the sense, like in the birthroom, that you are on hallowed ground. That something spiritual could be happening, if you let it.