I haven’t been writing much lately. It isn’t for lack of material, just the time to put pen to paper…or the computer I should say.

We went to Monterey this weekend and did a little sightseeing. It was wonderful to think about living there sometime soon. I felt like even though we were at the Wharf, the beach and the Aquarium like every other tourist, we weren’t tourists. We were locals just looking like tourists. We had a great time and I took a lot of  pictures. When I have more time I will download them. Tonight I am lazily sitting in bed, sore from my run and exhausted from a severe lack of sleep.

Which brings me to my next topic. I am not sure what size tooth Joshua is about to birth from his little swollen gums but I think it has some serious girth. He is drooling buckets, he won’t stop crying and baby orajel is the only thing that helps. He has never had this much trouble with teething. Needles to say, he hasn’t been sleeping because of the pain…ergo, I am exhausted.

On another note, I got picked in the lottery for the SF Nike Women’s Marathon! I am only running the Half, mostly because I am a chicken but I am nonetheless very excited to participate in this race. In preparation for this event I got a new watch that my sister informed me was “lesbian-ish” as it is of a digital nature. Either way, it helps me time my miles and do intervals. I am running a 10 minute mile right now but I want to get it down to a 9 minute mile before the race. I need some new shoes as mine actually have holes in the inside on the heel. However, we are in major money saving mode right now so they will have to wait

As far as all the excitement with the move….well, no offers on the house yet which is okay. I realized that I am not in a hurry, even though it won’t be fun to have Kevin gone three nights a week for a couple of months. We really can make it a few months with him commuting and it will help save some money in the meantime. So, if the house doesn’t sell until July or August, the sky will not fall upon my head. However, check back for updates on this as I am sure my opinion will change 73 times between now and May 19th (his start date). Good thing I have meds.

All right, you now know what I know. Well, not really everything that I know because I know everything. 

Sometimes in our lives we are faced with decisions that can paralyze us. These decisions become lines of demarcation in our hearts, like emotional tattoos. I recently went through a decision process that felt like a marathon for my soul. It really wasn’t even a decision that would cause the average person much angst but it was, I think, cosmically created to be difficult for me. Let me explain…

There is a saying that “perfection is the enemy of the good.” It is used often in the context of public policy and business decisions. The idea is that we often get so caught up in the machinations of making something perfect, that we could have produced a product that would’ve been “good” in the time we’ve spent fighting about the details of perfection. I hate to admit it but I spend a decent portion of my life in search of perfection. In my flawed mind, “good” is the easy way out, it is not pushing quite hard enough. Essentially “good” is painting your toes with one coat of polish instead of two….the color is there but it isn’t as brilliant or long lasting as it could be.

As I embarked upon this decision, I was tossed from mountain top to valley floor in the span of a few minutes. The opportunity presented itself and I was so flattered. However, by the time I got in the car and drove 5 miles I had come up with an extensive list of pros and cons. I had begun the process of self doubt and it sucked me into my own head like a giant vacuum. A Dyson vacuum.

This decision had all the elements – family, friends, kids, work, home, finances, spirituality, etc. It touched every part of my life. As I wrestled with the decision, I found myself asking several people for advice. With each conversation my mind was changed. With each conversation a little part of me was taken out of the decision making process and the other person’s opinion was put in its’ place. This was making my mind a patchwork quilt of other peoples reasoning. I am not saying that getting advice from others isn’t good, it just isn’t always healthy.

As I reached a full fever pitch, I called my sister and began the process of unloading all of the pros and cons once again. She wisely suggested that I stop talking about this. No really, just stop talking. This was a novel idea. So I took her up on her suggestion and vowed not to talk to anyone about this issue for 48 hours and just ask God and my heart to do some communicating of the non-verbal sort.

Amazingly enough, after only about 12 hours of silence a peace started to settle over me and the Bible verse “Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial” came to my mind. I wondered why and what it might mean. I spent the next 12 hours meditating on that verse and then it hit me. I have the freedom to walk through this door. My life probably won’t fall apart if I do. In fact, it could be great. However, just because it is permissible to do so, doesn’t mean that in the long run it will be beneficial.

As young women, we learn at a young age that there are times to say “no.” Sometimes it’s easy, like when the dessert put in front of you involves absolutely no chocolate…what a waste! Other times it’s hard, like when the dessert is warm brownies… a la mode.  The level of temptation rises like a jet airliner when the “something” we are trying to resist is really irresistible. Like how girls almost all learn the hard way that, yes you can go out with the “bad boy” and it might be awesome for a week but it doesn’t mean it won’t end poorly.

As adults, bigger “desserts” get dangled in front of us, like jobs. Desserts with six figures and a good pension plan. It is almost as hard to say “no” to good pension plans as it is to warm chocolate. When these issues present themselves, we have two options, one is to run headlong into the great unknown. The second is to take stock of what you already have in front of you before you jump. As I attempted this exercise, amidst an unfortunate degree of emotionalism, I found a few things out.  First of all, my life is amazing. Seriously. I have the best of both worlds. I am a committed mother and a career woman. I can do both. I am doing both. I have a beautiful family and network of friends that support me. I have a husband that would walk across hot coals for me…which is, I suspect, what he felt like he did this week watching me flip and flop like a carp on beach.

I learned something else from this decision. The tattoo etched on my psyche this week was the value of free will. I am free. Really free to do as I please. I can run naked through town. I can sleep with the cable guy. I can shoplift. I can base jump. I can have 6 kids. I can eat warm brownies a la mode every day. It just doesn’t mean that I won’t get arrested, come down with a VD, pay high life insurance rates and need a tummy tuck. Freedom doesn’t mean free from.

So, for me, the best decision is going to be staying put. I am going to enjoy what I have and know that I am free to choose differently at any time…and that, is almost as good as warm chocolate.