Okay so I am not really single but seriously Kevin is gone, yet again, for a business trip. This makes 5 trips in 4 months. We joke around that I am a single working mother of three and that there should be some sort of government program for which I qualify. I am pretty sure Obama-Care had something in it that would help me out – right? No?

Anyway, so here I am again all dressed up in a suit running around gathering bottles for the baby, slinging my pump over my shoulder and giving the Nanny last minute instructions. As I fall into the car and begin my commute, I wonder….does everyone do this much before 8am? Did I remember to put on my bra?

I have enough “stay at home” mom friends to know that being home with the kids is no vacation either and that is has its’ own set of complications and stress. Namely, the inability to have an adult conversation for 8 straight hours and the carpel tunnel syndrome that develops from constant requests to open this or that snack package/toy etc. As a side note – can we please join together and speak wtih the toy manufacturer’s about the ridiculous amount of plastic and screws and tape and twisty wire-thingies involved in packaging? Seriously.

So my assumption is simply that being a mom to multiple children is just hard work, whether you are with them all day or not. At the end of any given day, especially without  a husband around to share the burden (I mean joy) of dinner time/playtime/bathtime/storytime, I am just spent. Useless. Emotionally and physically drained.

As such, I have been feeling like my children don’t get my best when I come home from work. With Kevin being gone and work being so draining, my kids sometimes get the scraps. I have been asking God to show me how to be the best mom I can be with the little time I have. I don’t want to have my children look back on these years and just see me as the blur in heels (albeit very cute heels) that barked “get dressed! we have to leave NOW!” But how do I accomplish this when I really do need them to get dressed because we really do have to leave NOW???

I feel like I am being called to spend more time playing with my kids. Due to the fact that I have boys, it is easier for me to cop out and say – “Mommy doesn’t know how to transform that Transformer, go ask Daddy to help.” Yet, I know that I need to find ways to connect with them that is fun, even when my day is long. So ladies, I have a question….do you (whether you work outside the home or not) take time to play with your kids? Do you engage in their world for a time each day? If so, what do you do? Especially for my boy mama friends – help me out. I can play Barbie till the cows come home but when it comes to Batman, my creative juices just aren’t flowing.

Alright, I am off to start my day. Seven cups of coffee later and a little help from Beyonce (put your hands up! oh-oh-oh) I finally have the energy…..

Thanks for all the comments (even the contrary ones from my BFF)!!! Glad to hear that you all are listening.

 I love all 6 of you to death.

At this rate because of your loyal readership, I just might be famous 20 years from now. Gawd, I hope I don’t end up being one of those people who ends up famous after they die. If I am going to go to my grave in relative obscurity, it sure as heck better stay that way after I’m gone…ain’t no one getting famous off of Mama if Mama ain’t around!

So, I am starting to get the idea that in your 30′s you question things. And by things I mean everything. If I could sum up my 20′s, it would be OVERLY CONFIDENT.  I knew who I was, who I wanted to marry, how many kids to have, what job I wanted and when I wanted to retire. I was a registered voter and dedicated Republican. A faithful churchgoer and volunteer. I was a Coach purse loving, Grande Mocha drinking, Addidas wearing, Newsweek reading, George W Bush voter. I had it figured out people!

Then, one by one the bricks began to fall. I like soy lattes? I prefer Kate Spade and Asics? I hate republican politcs? Who am I? Mostly it started with having my first child. Isaac helped me to see beyond my point of view. He forced me to realize that everyone is someone’s baby, which puts a whole mew spin on how you see the world. So, with this change in mind, at 27 I did what I knew best, I figured it all out again.  I read Babywise and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. If being a parent was a brave new world then I would conquer that world. For the next two years, I managed to work, be a mom and even balance the budget.

Then came Joshua. Okay, take a deep breathe, re-organize and start over. Only this time the starting over was like a sputter that never really got to a full start. Much like my Volkswagon in college, it looked pretty but it didn’t have second gear. I couldn’t manage my job and house and kids and everything else like I had before. All of the sudden traveling for work was painful and getting ready for church on Sundays was too hard to pull off. I couldn’t spend the time with my friends that I wanted and I felt relationships slip away. Having two children made me feel like little pieces of me were stolen away and they might not be given back. Worse yet, the question that haunted me was, do I want them back?

Do I want those friendships? Do I want this job? Do I want to go to church every Sunday? What is really important to me? It was like charting a totally new course, or building a house brick by brick. I felt really ill-equipt.

Now here I am in a new town, with a new job and feeling like I am not only lost but maybe someone burned the map and I am left to sift through ashes for directions. I am not unhappy or ill content, just confused about my future. I love my kids and on most days I actually long to have more. I surf the web and look at pictures of newborns or read birth stories and I even think about sneaking upstairs at the hospital and peaking at the nursery (this however is frowned upon by management and some federal laws). However, I can’t imagine adding another child to our chaos. I am also afraid my bladder might actually revolt at the prospect, along with my boobs…both would head further south.

On the other hand, I want to get a better job, one with more responsibility. I thrive on last minute decisions and finishing projects. I enjoy managing things, in fact it is something that actually comes naturally to me. It may sound crazy but on a really busy day at work, where I feel valued and responsible, I might not even think about the kids all day. (Yikes, that sounds bad)

However, what my 20′s taught me is that in my 30′s I don’t think I can’t do both, at least not in the traditional sense. I can’t work 8-5 in a managment position and have more children or even manage the schedules of the ones I already have. So am I supposed to take a break from climbing the ladder to have more children? Or is the fact that my life is chaotic enough right now an indicator that one more child would throw me over the edge?

So, I am 31. I am learning that what I thought I knew in my 20′s, I will re-evaluate in this decade. Does that mean it will happen again in my 40′s? Or at some point do I cease wondering what else is out there and feel comfortable that what I’ve chosen is right for me?

These are just some of the questions that go bump in the nightime of my mind. I promise to let you know if I figure out the answers. However, I can almost guarantee the answer will be different for each of you.